That lonely walk

The night Blake passed away I remember laying in my hospital bed trying to process what had happened that night. Our son was born, but he was not here with us in my room. My room was silent, there was no baby crying to be fed or changed, just the sound of my sobs. Every once in a while I could hear baby cries from down the hall and my heart would start to ache. I remember being filled with this emptiness, literally because my tummy was no longer big and round and my arms were not holding our son.

I ended up staying in the hospital less than 24 hours after my son was born, even though he was delivered via c-section. I think when your baby dies they pretty much let you do what you want, and since I wanted to go home and be with my family they let me go. The fact that I didn't have a baby to care for probably contributed to the early discharge.

That lonely walk down the hall as we left the labour and delivery floor will always be fresh in my mind. My husband and I walked together holding each other hand in hand ...instead of holding our son. That entire long and lonely walk I held my head down and stared at the floor. I didn't want to catch a glimpse of any of the new mothers and their little babies. I could hear a couple babies crying and tried to drown that sound out with other thoughts racing through my head. One of those thoughts was of how guilty and ashamed I felt walking down that hall with empty arms. Here we were going home to be with our family, but we were leaving part of our family behind, our son. To leave that hospital without our baby, the one we had dreamed about having, the one we were supposed to take care of and protect, was so incredibly painful.